Moving can be as challenging as it is exciting. Sometimes
more so. Moving is as hard for kids as it is for adults.
They, too, are leaving behind familiar places and important
friends. They, too, are starting over: seeking new friends
and adjusting to a new home, neighborhood, and school. But
because they're still learning how to socialize and how to
effectively get their needs met, children need caring adults
to listen and help them adjust to their new home, now more
than ever.
If you're a parent contemplating a move, this article's
for you. By considering a move in three stages - before,
during, and after - and thinking about your children's needs
during each stage, you can make a big difference in how your
kids feel about the move and how they adjust afterwards.
BEFORE THE MOVE:
Preparing
- Tell your children about the move as soon as you can.
The more time they have to think about and prepare for
the move, the easier it will be for them.
- Give your children a chance to express their
feelings, and try to be honest about your own feelings.
Most children will feel some anger, sadness, or worry
about the move. These responses are natural, and kids who
have a chance to express them will work through their
doubts more easily. Gently tell your children about any
sadness you may feel about leaving or uncertainty about a
new home, job, or city. This will reassure them that they
aren't alone in having worries or concerns.
- Help older children prepare a list of phone numbers
and addresses of close friends, relatives, and other
important people in their lives. Knowing they can stay in
touch with these people is an important part of a
successful move.
- If your kids are old enough, let them participate in
decision making. Have the kids keep a notebook of
potential new homes with the positives and the negatives
listed.
- If you are able to, before you move take your
children to your new home and explore the new
neighborhood and town or city together. If this isn't
possible, take pictures of your new home, the schools
your kids will attend, a nearby park, and anything else
that would be interesting to them.
- Make a scrapbook containing pictures of your pre-move
home, friends, and other mementos of your life
together.
- Call the principal of your children's schools, and
try to set up a meeting with their teachers or, if
they're in junior high or high school, guidance
counselor. The new school may even be able to give you
names of students in your child's class who live near
your new home. If so, you may want to drop by to meet
them and their families before you move in.
- Try to line up some activities in which your child
can participate after the move: a sports team, music
lessons, art classes, a scouting troop. Not only will
activities like these keep your children involved;
they'll also help them to feel like part of a group - an
important aspect of settling in. Try to sign up for more
than one activity in case one falls through or doesn't go
well.
- If you can, try to meet families in your new
neighborhood before you move. Being familiar with people
when you move in will help your children feel more at
home.
DURING THE MOVE:
Remembering What's Important
- Throughout the move, stay as upbeat and calm as you
can; a good plan makes this possible. Your own mood will
impact other family members, especially babies, who are
particularly sensitive to their mother's feelings. With
older children, it's important to be honest about some of
the uncertainties you have, but also to be generally
optimistic about the move and the positive ways it will
affect the family.
- Involve your kids in the packing. Older kids can put
their own belongings in boxes, and kids of all ages will
enjoy decorating the boxes containing their things. Doing
so will also make finding your children's things easier
once you're at the new house!
- Try to stick to your routines. Have meals at the same
times as always. If your kids nap, encourage them to lie
down at the usual time. Keep to the normal bedtimes.
- Don't pack things that your children treasure. Take
special blankets, beloved stuffed animals, favorite
books, and other prized items in a separate bag or box
that you can bring with you in the car or on the plane
when you go to your new home.
- Help your children say good bye to the important
people in their lives. For their friends, a pizza or
make-your-own sundae party is a fun way to celebrate the
friendship. An album or poster with photos of good times
together will add to the celebration. If your children
are comfortable, encourage hugs at the end of the party.
With neighbors or other special adults, you may want to
set up a time to stop by and say good bye as a
family.
- Expect the unexpected: few moves go smoothly,
anticipate trouble (predict it!) and have a positive,
"can do" attitude.
AFTER THE MOVE:
Getting Settled
- Don't spend too much time unpacking - at least not
right away! Sure, the essentials are important to unload
and you want the house to feel settled. But wait on the
less important stuff. In the first few days, take time to
enjoy your new home with your family. Take walks. Check
out local restaurants and take-out spots. Introduce
yourselves to your new neighbors. Spend time at the
park.
- Be on the look-out for neighborhood kids, and help
introduce your children to them. If it's comfortable for
you and your children, invite some of the neighborhood
kids over for pizza or a video.
- Let your children have some input in planning on the
new house, especially in choosing things to buy for their
rooms. Even if you don't follow through on their ideas,
it's important to listen to what they think. Be tactful
if you choose another option, and let some decisions be
entirely up to them - for example, the placement of their
bed or the color of the rug or paint in their
bedroom.
- Get involved: church groups, synagogues, YMCA and
activity clubs, etc. enable socializing. If a couple of
months have gone by and your child seems unusually
troubled, ask a doctor, guidance counselor, or principal
if you need a referral. Signs that your child may need
help: unusual academic difficulty; ongoing irritability;
trouble with peers; changes in sleep or eating habits; a
generally despondent mood. Give them time, this behavior
can last for 4-5 months for teens.
- Above all, listen. Try to be there when your kids get
home after the first day at their new schools, even if it
means having to leave work early that day. Regularly ask
how things are going, and take time to listen. Sometimes
kids have a hard time opening up; spending relaxed time
together may help them to bring up whatever is on their
minds.
- For children and adults, it takes time to feel at
home. With your understanding and patience, your children
will be reassured that, after a while, things will get
easier; everything won't feel so new; and that home is,
after all, wherever the family is.
For more information on moving with children and moving
in general, see the book Smart Moves: Your Guide through the
Emotional Maze of Relocation by Nadia Jensen, Audrey McCollum,
and Stuart Copans. Smith & Krauss. To order a copy for $16.95, call
1-800-895-4331. The ISBN is 1575250861.
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